Xowl

1:15PM - Med change

New pdoc, small change

6:00AM - Your pop quiz – Has Xowl watched too much Veronica Mars?

So, how is your Xowl behavior knowledge? Time for a quiz. It is, of course, a word(y) problem.

I was at a concert (Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds) tonight. The seat next to me was empty and I had my jacket in it; I had stuck a ($3) bottle of water in as well. I was pretty dehydrated from sleeping too long and had finished a bottle of water before coming into the seating area. We were seated in the nosebleeds and the row behind us was empty, although a few people had used it as a way to get across to a door or something. I had bought the second bottle just before finishing the first. As soon as I had it, I finished the first bottle and recycled it.

I reached for the bottle and took a swig. As soon as I swallowed, I realized that I didn't remember opening it. I looked on and under the seat next to me and didn't see a lid, but it was mostly dark and I had a headache.

Your questions:

1. Did I drink any more?
2. M_B_N wanted some. What did I do?
3. Did I talk to anyone other than her about it?

Extra credit:

1. What, if anything, was I concerned about?
2. What was M_B_N's reaction?
3. What had really happened?\

Yes, this quiz will factor into your grade for this life. No, it is not an open-Xowl test. Please show your work.

(The concert was great, btw. Much thanks to M_B_N for dragging me out and for planning a surprise event in a way that actually worked for surprise-averse me!)

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Listening to: Kraftwerk - The Mix - Trans-Europe Express

6:01PM - Med Check: New Med, sad news, and new PDoc coming

Small med change that's making an insanely great difference. And I'm mostly keeping up with things.

Once again, no one really cares about what's below the cut.

8:46AM - The Neocons Could Save America and I Love Them for it

Now that they've definitively lost their ill-gotten influence over the white house, it's time to admit something: I love the neocons. Their great experiment, to destroy peace and prosperity by pushing American hegemony on every society unsuitable for it and to power said adventures on the heat generated by burning the constitution, was evil incarnate, but the philosophical underpinnings that let them even consider such a thing is a breath of fresh air that finally signals the end of, of all things, the Nixon era.

Yes, Nixon. This is all about putting the nail in Nixon's coffin, and the neocons are doing it.

4:14AM - Compliance update

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7:39PM - re: Pat Condell, "More Demands from Islam"

My mother sent me one of those emails that reminds me that a liberal in Arizona is still in a "red state." (Not that I'm buying in to the epic battle of red versus blue, but Arizona and San Francisco have different ideas of liberal and conservative.) She linked a Pat Condell video blog about Islam and described it as "very interesting commentary," which it is. It's also a great example of bait-and-switch demagoguery and the dumbing-down of public discourse.

If you don't know Pat Condell, check him out. He's a British comedian with a social/political agenda and is best known for his stance on atheism. He's also pretty funny as long as you don't think about what he's saying. His website opens with the words "Hi, I'm Pat Condell. I don't respect your beliefs and I don't care if you're offended. Cheers." So expect a self-centered rant by someone who doesn't care how his words affect his audience and assumes that offending someone is the same as being right. And, as I said, he's actually reasonably entertaining. (You can find his videos at http://www.youtube.com/patcondell if you want.)

The blog my mother linked  is More Demands from Islam, his response to a variety of news items regarding Arab, Muslim, or Islamist groups. Most of Condell's routines get a moderate amount of web attention (21,800 responses to "Pat Condell" on Clusty); this one is quite popular in conservative blogs.

My mother didn't ask for my opinion of the video, but she knows I'll give it anyway. I find his general attitude annoying (the British do smug worse than Americans do, no matter how much they try), but I'm more interested in how he manipulates the subject than why. We Americans have a self-deprecating faith that the British are better spoken and less prone to passionate mistakes than we are; I'm no less susceptible. I thought Tony Blair might have a positive effect on George W. Bush, too, back before we realized that he just sounds like he's paying attention. Condell is a great speaker, with a style like Andy Rooney but not annoying, and he comes across as though he thinks he's making sense. Kind of a British Paul Harvey. But a quick read of his text shows the same sloppy, knee-jerk phobia that America perfected.

Commentary behind the cut.

2:34PM - Health update

I haven't done a meds/health update in a while. That's because, for the most part, meds are on track and all is stable. Details below cut, as usual.
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4:58AM - Intelligent choices > clever choices, given time

I don't remember why that seemed relevant to me two minutes ago. Nothing else in this post is interesting, either.
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Current mood: worried

Current music: Little Feat - On Your Way Down

4:22AM - Just an update on the fxr change

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Current mood: hyper

Current music: King Crimson - In The Wake Of Poseidon, Including Libra's Theme

1:11PM - Stuff. Meds. Making small change.

Stuff. Behind cut since most people don't care about details.
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Current mood: bouncy

Current music: Garbage - I Think I'm Paranoid

12:13AM - Back on schedule

The insurance/COBRA mess finally got settled. Took a week and a half of several people breathing fire at the idiots at Conexis to get them to follow the federal law, but it's a law that requires two federal agencies to agree on who's enforcing what provisions and has no read penalties and Conexis has already been paid, so they didn't care who wasn't getting what medicine.

As of tonight, I should be back on schedule. I missed my morning li and I took the morning fxr and lamictal very late (I've been sleeping in and it's messing up my whole biology when I have to go back to a diurnal schedule for a few days; it's also making it hard to get work done), but I have the stuff to take everything on schedule now.

Leaving town wed and thurs, so I should be on a diurnal schedule this whole week, assuming I don't flake on work completely one day.

Current mood: relieved

Current music: This Mortal Coil - 'Til I Gain Control Again

11:22AM - click click click click wheeeeeeee

I've been doing well on compliance for a while, but I ran out of klon early this week. I haven't been sleeping and I'm feeling kind of "crispy," like my skin is fried and brittle to the touch. Now I'm out of li as well, so we'll see what that does. It's been the best at containing hypomania, which dropping off the klon seems to be triggering.

And my insurance is broken while I get my (former) company to sort things out with their COBRA administrator, so I can't see a pdoc or get a script filled. Well, li and klon are cheap enough that I could fill them but I need the pdoc to authorize them and that didn't happen yesterday (to my surprise).

3:43AM - Meds, taking and not-taking and stuff

As usual, no post is good post: I've been doing my usual always-good-in-the-morning-missing-the-afternoon bit with the meds, despite my attempts to get better about the afternoon lithium. I believe I do notice a difference the next morning if I'm taking the afternoon pills.

On the night-time pills, however, I've started getting irritatable around mid-evening and we're worried that the Klonopin is the cause. It is mildly habit-forming and maybe my body is being overly-expectant. So we're trying to cut it out for a week ro so and see what happens.

Unfortunately, it may be that the klon was reducing my snoring; it is also one of the drugs of choice for RLS. Given a choice between being addicted to a very mild tranquilizer and keeping M_B_N up all night mad at me, I'll take the vacation at the Betty Ford clinic, Pat. 

Today was my first day missing the morning pills in a while. I also left the house early in the day, crossed the bridge to the Far East (Berkeley), walked outside in the too-sunny Big Screensaver(TM) until my skin hurt and my eyes buzzed (about 5 min), and came back (still not taking my pills) and collapsed into a befuddled nap. So, no fxr until late today (8pm?) and only a half-dose then (so I don't OD in the "morning"). I don't know if that has any effect on my current late-night melancholy, but I'm definitely staying up and feeling down. We'll see if a hoped-for return to normal-ish schedule tomorrow reverts things. Because brain chemistry changes in 4 hours like that, right?

So the short term plan is:

Morning:
 - 2 x 100 Lamictal
 - 2 x 150 fxr
 - 2 x 300 li

Afternoon/Evening (6-10 pm):
 - 2 x 300 li

1 hr before bed:
 - 0 x 0.5 klon
 - 1 x 1.0 Requip

I might ask my pdoc about upping the Requip.

Current mood: melancholy

Current music: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Mercy

1:31PM - Got schtuff

I wrote this yesterday because it has been stuck in my head for over a week. If I didn't write it down it would just fester. I sent it to a few people in email and decided to stick it on lj because it's a great way to avoid working.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adam looked at God and saw that He, too, was naked, but that He was unafraid, and Adam grew bold.

 

"I truly was made in your image, God," said Adam. And God replied, "I told you that you were, and you were so made."

 

Adam made a thoughtful gesture and pointed, embarrassed, at the Lord God's penis. "Lord," he said, "I need my penis, both for urinating and for lovemaking. But Lord, what is your penis for?" Adam, seeing the Lord's countenance darken, grew emboldened and forgot his shame. "You are the Lord God, you do not eat or drink; you do not need to urinate. You are above all other creations and beings; who would you make love to?"

 

The Lord God said, "Adam, say that not again."

 

And Adam said again, "Lord, what could you use your penis for? Who would you make love to?"

 

And the Lord God grew wroth with Adam. And the Lord God replied, "Whom, Adam. Whom would I make love to."

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: Bif Naked - Abandonment

1:22PM - Compliance

I've been bad about posting compliance again.

In general, I've been 100% on the morning li/fxr/Lamictal cocktail, 20% on the afternoon li, and about 80% on the sleepy-time meds, which aren't absolutely required.

My sleep schedule has been completely horrible and random. Not good. I seem to sleep better when I take the afternoon li. Fluctuating light metal salt levels in my system might not be great for me.

I've been mostly on the upside, with some situational lows. Call it 60-70 overall with some 30s, but they had a cause.

One of the interesting differences between situational and major depression (and bp depression as well) is the situationally depressed person can answer the question "what's wrong" with life events. With major depression the answer is either "I don't know" or a long list that basically means "everything."

Current mood: bouncy

Current music: Ludwig van Beethoven, composer. Seattle Symphony. Gerard Schwarz, director - Symphony No. 9 (Scherzo

12:24AM - The trouble with being dead

So, I died in 1989. At least, kinda.

It's been great. I get to keep moving, breathing, doing things I like, being extremely hateful about Evil in the world while pretending it doesn't include me, and all the other things people do. But it does have a few problems.

M_B_N is off in another state this weekend (4 days). I'm not with her. Between late 1991 and mid 1995 we didn't spend a single night apart, then about a week. One night between that and mid 1997. Between mid 1997 and late 2006 we didn't spend a single night apart.

I am, as you can surmise, clingy.

But she wants to go on this trip and wanted to go on another trip a few weeks ago. That one was to meet in-person people she met online (and stay with them for a few days, which triggers all of my raised-in paranoia about Southern axe murderers); this trip is to see family (which is nice) and she'll spend some time with another friend from online (not staying with him, but it definitely puts my hackles on raise-alert; I've met him, I've known him online for two years; he's not harmful, he's a good friend, he's not an axe murderer. But I'm generally clingy and territorial about who's being around people I care about).

So, how do I handle this? I need her because I love her. I need her nearby because a) I'm clingy and b) I deal with the real world very poorly, c) I'm unstable, and d) I'm clingy. But here'e the problem: If I push too hard for what matters to me interpersonally, I must be alive. That's against the whole point of letting life go as though I died yesterday; it would be a commitment to stay alive--one in addition to my personal (and explicit) commitment to stay alive with and for M_B_N. So if she wants to visit online friends, well, my desires are just information.

That's the trouble with the dead. They're information. R. Buckminster Fuller said I Seem to be a Verb. He's right; verbing is the essence of existence. But the dead don't verb. We're just information(1). Still negative entropy(2), like all life, but not really action on a life scale. And I'm stuck. I provide information, but if I go beyond that, I have to take on SI(3) directly rather than redirect it and I know I'm not strong enough for that. In which case, I risk becoming information in a more-permanent way.

On the more amusing side, the LJ mood list (or the one in the Semagic client, whichever is generating my drop-down list) doesn't have a default entry for the mood "dead" :-)
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Current mood: depressed

Current music: Talking Heads - Stay Up Late

11:29PM - Compliance update

Up until now, good. Missed the afternoon li most of the time, but woring on that.

M_B_N has started bringing me my nighlty sleepymeds when she goes to sleep, so I don't wind up awake at 5 AM nearly as often. It's nice.

Last night I went to bed at 1 AM (early for me), woke at 8 to take M_B_N to the BART to fly out of town for a few days (which is stressful for me), and came home and slept until 11 PM. At 11 I realized I needed my morning meds and took them. So I'm about 12 hours off-schedule and have to get that dealt with. I usually do that by shifting my next few days 4 hours at a time or something, but who knows.

Current mood: depressed

Current music: Art Blakey & The Jazz Messengers - You Don't Know What Love Is

1:31AM - Re: Questions inspired by Children of Men

indigo_satyr posted three questions inspired by the movie Children of Men. I figured I'd answer them and wrote up a response.

Did you know that LJ has a ridiculously small limit on the length of a comment? Really, it's maybe two paragraphs.

So I put my comment here instead. Unless you came here from that thread (http://indigo-satyr.livejournal.com/3839.html) you almost certainly don't care about my answers, but the questions are: (1) Do you have/need a reason for living? (2) Do you think there's a reason you're alive? (3) If that reason could be or was taken from you, would you choose to die?

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Current mood: thankful

Current music: Tones on Tail - Go! [Club Mix]

4:50PM - Stupidest. Ytmnd. Evar.

A friend at NYU used to get rid of the depressives by putting Iggy on headphones and walking through Alphabet City, back when a skinny white kid studying playwriting really shouldn't have been in ABC. Tompkin's Square was still talked about, Lou Reed's New York album had just been released, and people still thought "wilding" had produced the Central Park rape. His suggestion that I try that was my first introduction to Iggy Pop. This same friend also led to my love of Black Flagg and Frank Sinatra, although to this day Iggy seems "harder" than either of them.

So I made the stupidest ytmnd ever. If you don't know what a ytmnd is, don't click the link. Wallow in your innocence. Mine is definitely not the one to see first, anyway.

But at least I mixed the sound and it's not too horrible. I extended Janet's last note (with a vibrato-like warble) to make Iggy's line sound less "naked" (although that would have been appropriate, I guess). Other than that it was clip-and-paste with overlap (the drum riff, the "strip tease" line, and Janet).

http://nakedlizardiggy.ytmnd.com/

Yeah, it sucks. But I saw the image and thought, "That needs either Lust for Life or Million in Prizes over it!"
Then I thought, "He's 60. And he's buffer than I've ever been."

It is a great picture, though. He still rocks.

Current mood: amused

Current music: Joe Loss - The Stripper

2:43PM - Updated compliance and mood

Again, I've been bad about updates.

Recent skinny
 - Not me. I'm fatty, both recent and for years ;-)

Last update was on the 10th. Since then M_B_N has gone and returned, my hypomania has receeded a fair bit, and I've been very good about my morning pills but almost always miss my 2nd dose of li in the day, and have pretty much never taken my sleep pills. I've been sleeping weird hours (until 5pm yesterday, getting 2 blocks of 3 hours with no way to sleep in between late last week) so maybe I should get back on them.

Missing the second dose of li is not great, especially with the increased dose of fxr. Li has a half-life under 24 hours and the regular blood tests for serum levels consider a 12 hour "dry" time since your last dose sufficient to check base levels, so that says something. I should take it twice a day. I'm supposed to take it when I get home from work, but that's a really random time (in terms of time of day) and a really random time (in terms of a random activity), so it's hard. It was even worse when I tried to take it at work: who know how many hours it will be before I'm both at my desk and have fluid on me and I get sooo distracted by work. If I can't get to the bathroom for an hour on average, taking a pill is definitely rough. Plus, I forget to refill the pill box in my jacket (although I always remember to carry klon... interesting, isn't it?).

So taking it at home is a good change (one the pdoc suggested), but I need to find a way to make it happen. I put a pill minder in the office, but I haven't been going into the office as much when I get home. A stumper.

Overall, mood is more stable: 50-70, centering on 60 or just under. Not bad at all, although lots of flight-of-ideas and multitasking at work.


I put three different paragraphs here, but all were just me dumping on myself for things I'm screwing up in my life. Decided that even I didn't want to read that, which is probably a good sign. But it seem sthat my mood is cycling down a touch. Maybe heading to 40-? We'll see.

Current mood: calm

Current music: Laurie Anderson - Beautiful Pea Green Boat